I was in KY for the last couple of days and I have noticed in small towns they seem to be really proud of their Walmarts. As if Saks had opened a retail outlet in Etowa, AL or something. Every direction they give you is somehow based off of the local Walmart’s geographic location.

“Yup….go on down yonder thar bout 17 malls or so til ya get to the Walmark there by the truck stop. That’ll be Tapp Road. Take ya a lefty right afore the Walmark and keep a goin. Bout maybe 3 miles from the Walmark, when yer fixin’ to go round the second curve there’ll be a nuther road crossing it. That ain’t the one you want…”

Whew! Thank you Mr. MapQuest. Perhaps you can draw me a map on that Big Penny’s BBQ napkin you obviously didn’t use. And let me add, I am not impressed when they add the word SUPER in front of it.

“Theys buildin a SUPER Walmart out there on the by-pass. Gonna be something. Probly like 6 or 9 claw games right there in the front, chuck full of ipods and stuffed gorillas. A SUPER Walmart. Imagine that. Turning the old one into a skatin’ rink or paintball war place I heard.”

Super Walmart? Means the same to me Cletus. Aren’t they all sort of super? I mean, do they really have regular inconspicuous Walmarts? Just a small building with a tasteful sign in a quiet neighborhood. Nope. That is probably why they are such a hit in small towns. It’s like the county fair has come to town. Forever. Complete with clowns, carnival food and bearded ladies. Super Walmart. Right. This is about when I go ahead and ruin it for them.

* Me: “Guess what we have in Kokomo?”
* Cletus: “Whut?”
* Me: “A Super Duper Walmart”
* Cletus: “Whut?”
* Me: “Yeah, Super Duper Walmart. Complete with a fried Twinky stand, tractor pull and a NASCAR department.”
* Cletus: “Dangit. That sucks. We gotta get us one of them ‘round here. Don’t that beat all?”

Yup, that beats all Cletus. It sure does.