I got left off. Again. Year after year. It’s not like I expected to win or even think I should win. It’s just that every year when the list comes out I think that there is an outside chance. But there it was. George Clooney. The World’s Sexiest Man. Again. Just like in 1997. Behind him were the perennial favorites. Matthew. Johnny. Brad. Ashton. Clay. Clay? I finished below Clay Aiken? That does wonders for my self-esteem. He also finished 7th in the Sexiest Woman Contest. Paul Newman ended up in the top 20 and he is like 81 years old. In 10 years he will be dead and still wind up 27,897 spots ahead of me on the list. I may as well forget about it.

So ok, I am not the Sexiest Man In The World. Shoot, I am not the sexiest man on my street. I’ve seen the way my girls look at the Old Man down the road when he is out mowing with his crisp white tee shirt and blue Dickie work pants on. He knows it too as he flexes his biceps while gripping his walker. Sucker. I wouldn't even be voted Coolest Guy at a Star Trek Convention Bowling Tournament. I have to find a competition I can win. While in Alabama I once got 3rd place in a Michigan Accent contest. The Mexican kid who won didn’t sound all that authentic I thought, but he was wearing a Detroit Piston’s cap that swayed the judges. I was told one time that I would be a shoo-in to win a Danny DeVito look-a-like contest. Several people agreed. I think I had a shot too but apparently I was 8” too tall to enter. Stupid rule. The only competition I can remember actually winning was a Stuffed Bunny Contest. Basically you had to jam full size marshmallows into your mouth one at a time while saying “I’m a stuffed bunny” after each one. The second place finisher had 8. I, the champ, meanwhile had managed to wedge 22 into my oral cavity. Genetically gifted I guess.

So I am sitting here sort of dejected about the whole deal. What I need is something I can win. Something I am a bit more suited for besides raw sex appeal. So here is my list of Kevin’s Winnable Contests. Not sure things but potential trophy possibilities.

- Most Miles Driven With Gas Cap Door Thingie Still Open
- Fewest Bites To Eat 7 Hard Shell Taco’s
- Longest Time Spent Staring At The Same Algebra Problem
- Consecutive Days With At Least One Bloody Scar On Head
- Most Absurd Rabbit Fur Hat Worn In July
- Largest Collection Of “Lawn Mowing Shoes”
- Longest Time To Hang Shutters On House
- Most “One Last” Spoonfuls Of Rocky Road Ice Cream
- Uncle Fester Celebrity Look-A-Like Contest
- Least Likely To Ever Understand Self Checkout’s At Grocery Store
- Worst Singing Voice In Western Hemisphere
- Least Likely To Age Gracefully

So there is my list. I would appreciate it if you all would give me a heads up if you see any competitions on any of the above categories. I don’t have to win a trophy necessarily. Or a medal. Cash would be fine. Or my picture on the cover of People Magazine. Eating a hard shelled taco. And wearing my rabbit fur hat. In July. Eat your heart out Leonardo. You loser.

Peace. Later.